i am here now.

My daddy can reach way up high.

My daddy can fix anything.

My daddy is the strongest daddy in the world.

My daddy catches me on the slide.

My daddy is never scared of the dark.

my voice fell to a whisper as my stone heart melted into a puddle on the bedroom floor.  the gentle words healed me. how long has God been preparing me for this moment?  the quiet way He meets us sends me into wonder.   i’m left so undone.  the two year old didn’t know why i was crying while reading his little book. . . but i did.  my heart knew.

i’m back to college & my heart is lost in the ways this place makes me feel alive.  the sights, smells, people, and appalachian mountains are a combination to rejuvinate the tiredest of souls.  there are so many five hundred things in this little town that have torn and sewn my heart back together.  in less than a year, this place will be zipped up into my suitcase of a heart.  the memories will give laughter & tears to our kitchen table for years to come.  i’m feeling the awe & weightiness of that. it’s strange how deeply a place can shape us.  the first of fall leaves have trickled down onto the running trails. the season is changing and i don’t want to miss it this year.

this summer was a growing season of hard and healing.  i came home more tired than ever.  the to-do lists and junior year schedule had gotten to me.  it took me two months before i woke up without a headache. my heart and body was tired of running.  so i attempted to stop.  i went through all of my things and gave tons away.  i threw away papers, torn t-shirts & to-do lists.  i deleted emails and spent mornings soaking in the new sunshine on the front porch.  i started a new journal.  it felt so odd.  i quit the 6:30 alarms and showers 7 days a week.  my hair was in a bun more than it was down.  i didn’t put on a business suit once. my computer died over the summer (maybe it just felt the need to quit running too – haha).  about 1/2 way through the summer, i just felt so angry for no reason.  i didn’t get it.  Jesus whispered words to me i will never forget,

jessy – if you cannot find joy in this season, you will never understand joy.

i had excuses for a long time how all these things “had to be done” or there just “isn’t enough time.”  some of that was true, but not all.  no – i had an obsession of crossing things off a list.  i made lists that i had already done just to see them crossed off.  i am a planner.  i am overly organized.  i want to make sure everything happens and nothing gets forgotten. i want to think of every possible thing that could be better and make it better.  it comes out in my presentations and my papers.  i began to see it for the first time and i was so embarrassed.  all this running was taking away my life.  it’s so silly, really but oh so real.  all this busy-ness was crowding out what mattered.  it was a leech to my joy and i get it more now.

i am inching my way into the freedom of realizing not every moment has to be planned out.  i don’t want to spend my entire life searching for purpose when i can live right now from purpose.  i don’t want to plan so much to be a great wife when i forget how to be a great fiancée.  i’m learning it’s okay to step outside of the rat race and just live for a while.  it’s a gift to be alive on this planet.  i don’t want to be so busy trying to be better or achieve more that i forget what really matters.  i’m realizing what i need is less about what i do but where i rest.  my soul has nothing to give without being fed.  all this overplanning was killing me.  i’m so sad it took me this long to see it.

i don’t feel tired for the first time in four years.  i am more excited for life than i have ever been in my twenty-one years of breathing air on this planet.   i’m realizing the beauty of saying yes to intentional things and less to busy.  my fire is becoming more instead of less.  i feel less like i need to constantly be refueling in order to survive.  i am learning what it means to be more generous.  it’s weird how running made me want to hold everything around me tighter. resting made my heart open up more.  i forgot who i was along the way because i was just too “busy.”

i guess somehow along the days of weeding the garden and sitting in front of a computer cranking finances and staying up late and learning how to be present, i realized that i am here now.  i am not busy.  i am here. we do not know about tomorrow but we have today.  we have these moments.  we have this time.  i have this time.  i want to be present.  i am here now.

i was talking to God tonight and He spoke this words ever so gently…

hey jessy… i’m glad you stopped running so much.  don’t you know that I can reach way up high for you? I can fix anything.  I am the strongest Daddy in the world.  I will catch you on the slide.  I am never scared of the dark.

(beginning quotes from “That’s my Daddy” by Ann Hodgman)